I had the wind knocked out of me just over a week ago. A dear friend and mentor lost her job (as my boss), and I’ve been lost in a sea of confusion, anger, concern, sadness, powerlessness and fear ever since.
I haven’t been able to write, I’ve been having bad dreams, and I’ve been polishing up my resume and reminding people in the industry that I’m good at what I do, just in case my position gets eliminated, too.
I have been meditating, praying and in other ways trying to find a source of calm throughout this ordeal. I cannot find the logic in the decision that brought my friend’s job to an end. I have not been offered an explanation, nor have I been assured that the organizational changes end with her dismissal.
I’m the bacon-maker in my family. Losing my job would spell financial ruin for us. The thought of it makes my hands shake and my stomach tie up in knots.
This feeling of being lost at sea is overwhelming. I know I’m not the first to feel this way, but it certainly is a lonely place in my head. I keep feeling that I could have done more to make my boss look good. Yet, this was one of the best years we’ve ever had. We did everything we could to prove to the world that we are a stellar team.
Truly, most of the credit for our success this year goes to my friend. She was amazing. And it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t what “they” were looking for. So, whatever it is they ARE looking for, I’m not sure that I possess it.
I realize that this post is nothing but a bunch of whining. Nothing helpful to anyone but myself. The writing of this has been a kind of therapy for me. Thank you for indulging me. I hope that getting this out of my head and into real words will allow me to begin to move out of the fog, and on to the next big thing.